I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
