Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
