I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
