Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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