6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
