I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
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