he thought i was a dude.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
