From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
