Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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