Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
