he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
