dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
