Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
you will always have a special place in my vag
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
