Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Randomize
