you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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