he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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