i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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