I just cut my nipple shaving
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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