i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
