just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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