4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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