There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
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