I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
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