He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
