That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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