Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
