Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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