I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Randomize
