i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
