I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
two words...techno handjob
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
