White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Come share oat with me in your robe
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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