I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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