Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
