Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
