Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
So squirting runs in the family.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
