just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
