Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
