I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Randomize
