Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
