you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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