I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
i love accidental penises.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Randomize
