He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Randomize
