community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
