Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
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