see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Randomize
