How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Found your dick twin last night
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
