What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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