Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
