Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
The uberlube is also flammable
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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