just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
